I said three little words just now. They’re the ones you’re expecting that I’d say. I said them to a boy I met a week ago, and I meant each of them from the bottom of my heart. I know that I sound like a sort of maniac, or maybe like, a teenage girl, but I don’t really think that I am. I really meant to say them.

It’s terrifying, for a lot of people, to tell someone how they feel. Especially someone they’ve only barely just met, and especially only ever shouted down one end of a phone at. But if I’ve learned anything from sweating and breathing in the 21st century, it’s that I know how I feel when I’m feeling it.

But that doesn’t change the fact that it’s still fucking scary let it out of the cage in my skull. I’m struggling not to fall into trite turns of phrase here, I’m not used to having so many good times to write about back to back to back.

Well, dear reader, you know I’ve been talking to a boy. A lot. Probably too much, I might be letting a few things slip to just get a couple more minutes in thinking about him. And I wrote a whole long big stupid gay thing about him just yesterday, or maybe the day before. And it’s rude to get repetitive on a blog, so I’ll cut to the chase. I think I fell like, properly finally in love with him today. Maybe it was a Christmas Miracle.

Love scares me. Less now than it did before, but all the same, it still terrifies me. Not in a horrific way. Love is not a monster to be slain and trophies taken, as so, so many seem to think. Love is a forge in which souls are bound and hammered together, and the smith is his own workpiece. It’s hard work. It’s often painful. It takes a critical eye and a sure hand. Above all, it takes a lot of fucking guts.

It was scary, what I did. In a certain way. I’m admitting my own commitment to the work. I’m signing myself up to be responsible for how it comes out. I’m placing my own fate in another’s hands, no matter how easy it might be to get away without consequences. One swing of the hammer is enough to leave a mark, especially straight out of the fire, after all.

But now here is where things get interesting, because I don’t mind leaving tooling marks on my work. I am not a master craftsman, here to make a flawless work of art. I never got much practice with that sort of thing. Not to say it’s too late, of course, it never really is. We all have at least one beautiful piece in us. But these days, I’m less concerned with that. Not least of all because I trust myself and the process. I know I can take it, and I know that a few missed strikes won’t break anything beyond repair.

Analogy makes it so much easier to talk about these things, doesn’t it? It’s taken me more than an hour to get this little bit out, and most of that was spent staring at a blank fucking page. How’s that for being a real writer, huh?

So, I guess I said it and now I’m explaining why. I really do love you, Boy on the Phone. And I know it’s scary and everything but I mean it. First, I don’t expect or need or even really want you to reciprocate if you aren’t 100% confident. Bizarre as it sounds, it isn’t really about you. Part of why I’m saying it is because I wanted to make it clear that, no matter what happens from here on out, I am going to treasure you and the time we’ve shared, brief as it may be so far. I don’t regret for one instant anything I’ve done or said to you. I feel almost human again, talking to you. I will literally be thinking about you until the day I die.

I’m also, of course, making it clear how seriously I am taking this thing and you and I. I am stating my commitment to you. To be honest with you always, to take care of you, and to always do my best for your sake as well as ours, and mine. Through thick and thin. I know things have been more or less magical, at least for me, from literally the moment we started talking. I don’t expect this to continue, I’m not that naive. I know things will get rough at some point, but I promise I’m never going to stop respecting this thing I’ve signed up for. I’m a commitment man, you may have figured out.

I could keep going, but I’m afraid I’ll fall asleep in my chair. So, we’ll make this fast. I love you. I mean it. I know it seems crazy, but I’m sure. I’m not scared of anything happening from here on out. Even if you dump me tomorrow, I’m going to be okay, you’re going to be okay, and we’re going to be okay, because I love you. I have a lot of crazy ideas running around my head here, and just getting them straight is kinda terrifying. There’s still a lot to figure out, I guess. For us, and for me, but I’m not scared of any of it. It’ll work out the way it’s supposed to, for better or worse, and I’m going to be there to make the best of it. And if I’m lucky you’ll be there, with me.