I’m sorry for lying to you. You never became the organizing principle of my life, he did. Everything revolved around him. I’m going to say a dramatic thing that I don’t really mean, but it will frame for me what I am going to say so that I can work through it, and by the end of this whole thing, I can feel better about myself, maybe. He didn’t Fix me, either. He broke me just a little bit. We’re still together. I’m still in love. He still knows.

I got an apartment. I move in on Monday. It’s close to my Grandma’s house, so it should be easy to move things, and I’ll be nearby if I ever need to like, talk to my family, which I do less than I need to be. Part of why I moved so quickly was because of him, because I promised him I would. Partly also, though, I just need to get out of grandma’s house. I love my family a lot, I really do, but sharing a space with them just doesn’t work, for me. Or them either, I think. I’m a hard person to be around, or at least I think so. This may be a reoccurring pattern.

I’ve been racked with anxiety for like, the past month. Partly because I’ve been working Too Fucking Much, but also because I just can’t get out of my own damned way. I’m worried about him, about the fact that I’m not fucking fixing him like I want to, even though I know on a like, intellectual, but also certainly a deeper level, that I can’t. Because I’ve tried before, so many times, to Fix people, and it never works because it can’t. And he knows that, too, and I think that we’re on a level where he’s tolerating me being a freak, he’s procrastinating his life away, and I’m party to all of this because I’m just not handling any of this the right way.

Okay, let me take a step back. I have a lot going on in my life, on every timescale. This week, I’ve got a busy work schedule, I’ve got a car that I crashed that I’ve got to deal with, I’ve got a depressed boyfriend on the other side of the world that I’ve gotta figure out also, I’ve got an apartment that I’ve been reading thru the paperwork on and finalizing and that I’m going to move in to very soon. This year, I want to go back to school, I want to spend more time writing, I want to spend more time working & volunteering & just generally outside, I want to spend more time exercising on top of that, I want to get more involved in my esports scene again, I want to figure out a better and stabler scenario for my depressed boyfriend on the other side of the world. I have big things with short deadlines, little things that matter with long ones, the list goes on and on. I have too much stuff to do to fill the day with. And all the things I care about the most, I feel like I have the least amount of control over, and it’s starting to make my fantods howl.

That being, of course, as you might’ve guessed, The Boy, as I’ve taken to calling him in my own private skull-contents. Saying that I am anxious about him is like saying I’m anxious about a train bearing down on my little imported japanese econo-box that’s beached on the tracks.

So I do a bunch of smothering, stupid, bullshit that comes off the wrong way, and it gets worse because then I think that I’m making things worse. It terrifies me that I might just be a bad partner. Which probably is the real root of my issue.

I’m going to pass out very soon. I will pick this up again tomorrow. Cheers.