Is that I’ll be okay. I know now that I’m nothing if not too damned resilient for my own good. I know that no matter what happens, I’m going to keep moving. Sharks Keep Moving.

So yeah, I’m in crisis and I don’t really know what to do anymore. I tried what I’d always thought of as a last resort. I asked my dad for advice. I also told him I’m gay. He took it well enough. I was a wreck. He did not, despite what pinegrove told me, have some good advice from something in a book that he read. But really, he didn’t need to. He told me what I already knew. And he listened to my predicament, or whatever the hell is going on in my skull. Just. Talking. about it helped a lot. Externalize my emotions into words, put them into boxes so that I can study them.

He doesn’t really know what to do either. The biggest source of my anxiety, my organizing principle, has been eating away at me for some time and it’s not really clear that there even is a path forward, let alone what route it takes and whether or not we get somewhere that we actually want to be.

So I’ll lay it all out in vague terms, on account of this is ostensibly a publicly accessible blog. My boyfriend (whom I love) is in a tremendously bad spot. I don’t recall if I’ve mentioned it, but he got canceled from a hobby that he loves more than probably anything else, and he hasn’t moved on even a little bit in the two and a bit years since. I met him a few months ago, and fell in love immediately, as I recorded here. I still am in capital-L Love, despite whatever like bizarre emotional hangups I continue to have. So anyway, he’s totally a pariah in the only world he even really cares about, and only has like three friends that have stuck around with him through the ordeal, and me now. So he’s been a shutin for that whole time, basically doing maximum self sabotage, for I shutter to imagine what purpose.

Even in these vague terms, I’m not going to say a certain thing. But it keeps me very, very worried for a lot of the time.

(briefest of pauses here to get a good night’s rest, go to work for a full shift, and come home to dinner with the family. This also explains why it’s a day late. Sorry, editor !)

Another, and quite basic concern of mine is that I’m just not really a person that’s made for being around other people. I’m quite bad at like, being a person, I’ve been continuously learning. Luckily, I suppose, is that I’ve also been learning that like, everyone struggles with that, apparently. Or something like that.

More concretely, I worry that I am incapable of the balance of whatever it is that needs to be in balance to be able to be like, happy, in a relationship. Saying it like that makes it sound like I’m not happy in my relationship. Gun to my head, right now, I’m happy. When I am able to shout the evil thoughts into submission, I can apply my reason to rationalizing all of the reasons things are gonig to be literally fine. But when I’m not putting the effort in to keep him quiet, the bad guy in my skull makes some compelling arguments for why I should basically just kill myself right now. Putting it like that makes it sound like I think there’s a bad guy in my skull.

So yeah, I don’t really know what’s going on in or out of my skull these days. I told my dad that it feels like I’m having a panic attack like all of the time, and it’s felt like that for at least a month. Now that I’m running out of stuff to freak out about and just getting things done as they need to be done, it’s getting worse, ironically. There’s less to dump this energy into, so it just keeps going round and round and it scrapes around the inside of my skull and it makes a really awful noise.

I’m going to try very hard to write something that isn’t stream of consciousness journalramble soon. Prehaps fiction, perhaps an essay? We’ll see. Cheers.