by the river, by himself

I made a lot of meaningful progress today, in terms of like, life progression. I wish I could’ve shared it with you.

I finished my GED. It’s been a project of mine that was close to completion for like, years and years now, and today I finally just actually finished it. I missed the deadline for signing up for summer classes for this year, which I had hoped I wouldn’t, but either way I guess I have something to look forward to this fall now.

It’s embarrassing to admit this here for perpetuity, so I won’t reveal exactly how long I’ve spent on the project that was Infinite Jest, but suffice to say it was a very, very long time, and now that I’ve finished reading it I feel strange about it. It’s a very interesting book, but it is very interesting in terms of how it is also essentially the fulcrum of my entire life up to this point. Everything meaningful I have ever attempted I have attempted while IJ was the ‘currently reading’ in my mind. And now it’s done, and Dave is dead, and I’m alive, and I’m still reading and writing and I feel not exactly lost. I have short term goals that I am working on. I have plans. I have things to practice. I have things going on. Etc. They all feel hollow.

I also started the book that You gave me for Christmas. It felt right. I’m tempted to power through the thing so that I can stop thinking about you, but that doesn’t feel right for its own reasons, and it doesn’t feel right because of the books’ own contents, either.

Stupid rambling bullshit aspiring to be romantically aloof aside.

I’m starting a new job this week, as well. That’s another I guess kinda big deal for my life. I’m gonna start a new job, and it’s gonna be pretty fun hopefully, and it’s gonna give me time to go to school and write and do everything I’ve ever wanted to do in life and everything is going to be Better From Here On Out, etc. etc.

I wouldn’t really say that I’m nervous. It’s a simple job, it’s gonna be fairly easy for me to figure out. I’m fairly confident I’ll be able to fit in pretty easily, as well. It’s a small company working out of a warehouse. It’s a mission that I believe in, even if it’s not something that I’m totally willing to like, throw my entire life behind. Which I think is about as good as I can expect to get out of life, right now. I’ve got enough of my own work to do to not worry too much about like, making sure that every moment is geared toward the One True Mission of my life.

I’ve been feeling really lonely again, lately. Ever since I went to visit my friend in Vegas, I’ve been feeling like, totally alone. I’m tempted to say that it feels like I’m putting in all of the work that I’m putting in for no reason, but that feels too cliche. Like I’m not entirely sure why I’m feeling the way that I’m feeling, so I’m reaching for something familiar that I can use as a mental shorthand to not have to think too hard about it anymore, you know what I mean? Like I’m using thoughts out of a can.

I had another therapy appointment this past week. It went however it went. I feel like there’s something that I’m doing wrong. Or maybe that my thoughts going in were somehow wrong. I have a very specific problem that I want to try and address in a serious way, but it’s not really working all that well, I don’t think. I can’t tell whether I actually believe in the holistic sort of way that therapy seems to treat everything as being, or whether it is possible to actually just like, fix one problem at a time. I know that my life is a fucked up disaster from all angles. I know that probably a lot of stuff is traceable through how badly fucked up my childhood was through no fault of my own. I don’t really mind any of that. I accept it as stuff that’s happened that is no longer in my control, and nonetheless partly relevant in probably every subsequent moment of my life.