Okay, no time to chat. I’m playing my esport again. It’s going fairly well, I feel like the fever finally broke last night and stuff is starting to feel pretty good. I feel a lot less rusty than I have in the past. I don’t have a team that I’m fully committed on as of right now, but I do think that I’m in a pretty good spot as far as like, getting back into the swing of things.

Playing again is consuming A LOT of time though, to the point I’m kinda reconsidering whether I really wanna make this hard push that I’m doing. I’m only a week in, and I’ve been intentionally maxxing my time investment to try and get through the derust as fast as possible, so maybe stuff will slow down when I get caught up again, but if I don’t, this might not work out as well as I was hoping it would.

I’ve been thinking about my ex a lot again. What he would think about me playing again, and trying so hard at it. I don’t think he’d be happy. I think he’d accuse me of distracting myself from the hard, uncertain work that I keep saying is what I really want to do. That is, writing, of course. Which I have been doing, but not nearly enough, or well enough, to really even make a case that I am a ‘writer’.

I’m also missing him a lot. He was a good partner. Even when he was doing it in a frustrating way, he would call me on bullshit and not let any of the bullshit I would try and convince myself of even get off the ground. I miss him. Still. I haven’t tried to reach out, even though I keep getting what feel like minor signs to offer a change of course. I’m pretty sure the one I’m on right now is the right one though, even if it’s not going exactly the way that I had planned out ahead of time. I think I might be able to make this Norway trip work out this summer, I just wanna get my financials a little bit more squared away, but I think everything’s gonna be okay. My new job is helping a lot with all of that.

Therapy didn’t really help that much. I don’t really know. It’s hard to say. I don’t think I wanna keep going. It feels kinda pointless. And performative. Fake. From me, not my therapist of course. Though, of course, she’s fake too, but from her it makes sense.

I’ve been procrastinating a piece about LAN. It’s got a skeleton but I’ve been so distracted with playing and like, babysitting I guess, that I haven’t been sitting down and staring at the blinking cursor for long enough to pull the teeth of the thing out of my head. It’s kinda difficult, honestly. But, we’ll see.

I think that’s kinda all I’ve got for now. I woke up early today, so I had some extra time that I thought I’d fill with the thing I always tell myself that I actually want to be doing.