Nietzsche wrote, in some book or other, about the concept of ‘Amor Fati’. Love of one’s fate. It is very hard for me to get my head around. He also wrote about Eternal Return, a similar, but different concept. Basically amounting to, living as if this is all going to happen again and again, exactly he same, forever. The implication being, of course, that you should live not only without regrets, but also such that you would be happy knowing that everything you do, you’ll do again.

These are very challenging things for me to deal with, because I am filled with regret. Over many, many things. As I write this, there is an obvious elephant in the room. I will be okay, obviously, eventually. Nonetheless, I keep going back over every conversation we had over and over in my head, thinking of things I could’ve / should’ve done differently.

Specifically, with these things in mind.

I don’t know how to arrive at this naturally through structured writing. But it’s an important enough thought that I have to write it down.

The thing that is scaring me right now, as I am sitting here and writing this, is that I know that the way that I am going to think about this, for probably the rest of my life, is a decision that I have to make right now. I could choose to be mopey, and carry the hurt forever. I could choose to forget about it, and act as if there is nothing to be gained from this. But I want to choose to deal with it in as healthy a way as I can. Whether I am conscious of the choice or not, I will be choosing.

And that is a very, very scary thought. So I am going to choose, now.

We had a lot of things in common. A scary amount, really. We were highly sexually compatible, which was the first thing we learned about each other. We were highly interpersonally compatible, is the second. We had the same hobbies. We had gone through similar traumas before. We had been on opposite sides of other traumatic experiences, and there was a lot that I wanted to bring to the table as far as that discussion went. Our birthdays were one day apart.

I liked talking to him. I liked talking to him A LOT. More than anyone else I’ve ever gotten to talk to.

I’m getting sidetracked. What I’m struggling to grapple with is, what’s the lesson here? What is the thing to extract? What are the mistakes I made that I won’t make again?

I don’t know, but that also isn’t the right question. I’m choosing, right now, to carry this weight. It hurts. I made mistakes. It’s possible that the mistake was getting involved in it in the first place. They were worth it. The pain is worth it. I felt good. I was happy in a relationship for the first time in my life, even if it wasn’t the way it’s supposed to go down.

I was myself for the first time. I am out to my family & friends. I am being honest with them. I am trying to be honest to myself, at least now that any hopes I had of things going back to the way they were before are dashed. C’est la vie. I’m gonna distract myself for a little while now. these are my thoughts. I don’t want to think, anymore.